


my heart is a hollow plain

by agitatedstates



Series: All-New, All-Different, Kinda-Amazing Spider-Man: Benni Parker-Wilson [7]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man/Deadpool - Joe Kelly (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Father son dynamic, Fluff, M/M, Mental Illness, Mentions of Cancer, Mistaken Identity, Temporary Character Death, Trauma, family au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-24 05:16:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17094593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agitatedstates/pseuds/agitatedstates
Summary: Wade took Peter home from the hospital, spent months by his side while he was there, and left the moment Peter went to bed that first night in their home. Benni heard the door shut, felt it vibrate through his chest like he’d been shot, like his world shattered around it.orWade has bad coping mechanisms and reconciles with his son.





	my heart is a hollow plain

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nastylittleman](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nastylittleman/gifts).



> Years ago, i wrote a spideypool fanfiction that changed my life. It was small, not many people read it, but it meant the world to me. It was the first thing i’d written in years, a little 1.2k word fic about a boy named Benni who just wanted to make his parents proud. I was 18, struggling through my life and identity, and Benni was my way to cope, my little Benni Bee. I probably only wrote as much as I did because my friend Lexie supported me, and she seemed to be the only person in the world who cared about Benni too. 
> 
> When i met my partner earlier this year, i mentioned that i wrote fanfic, and eventually sent him my ao3. He told me that he knew me, and that my spideypool series was one of his favourites. I never realised anyone could like Benni as much as i loved him, that my fic had touched someone like that. I’m glad the universe brought him into my life, and this fic is one of my christmas gifts to him. it's the re-write of my benni au that i mentioned months ago, and i wanted it done for him.
> 
> Thank you for believing in me, for loving Benni, and for loving me. I love you Aaron, here is your Benni fanfic, merry christmas.

“You don’t have to do this Ben”

Benni still isn’t used to it, hearing his pops call him that. It makes his heart soar, and it feels so _right,_ like it’s been his name the whole time _._ But right now, it fills him with a sense of dread. Benni is wearing the Spider-Man suit, the one his pops wore before him, and he’s staring into the mask in his hands like it could give him the answers he craves.

“I _want_ to do this.” there’s a slight wobble in his voice, and his pops at least pretends to not notice it. “New York needs a Spider-Man. We all do”

There’s a silent thought that Benni and Peter need this more than anything else, need it like air, need it like the blood in their veins. Parkers have always held tight to responsibility, held the burden on their shoulders more than anyone else. 

It scares him, he’s so scared to wear this suit, because he knows what it represents. He sees everything he’s ever lost in that mask, he sees his pops grief, his grief for Gwen, for Uncle Ben, for _Mayday,_ for Bennis _dad_. He sees Peters guilt, his hero complex, his self destruction. But he knows he has to wear it one day. It always fits, eventually.

His pops looks at him like it’s the last time he’ll ever see him whole again.

“I never wanted this life for you,” Peter is terrified, and Benni doesn’t know what to _do,_ and if he can’t make his pops happy, how the hell could he be Spider-Man “I- I worked my whole life trying to make sure you never had to do this, I wanted to make things right so you wouldn’t have to.”

“Pops-” Benni can’t seem to form a sentence, can't respond, but he just decides to drop to knees to hug his pops in his wheelchair, careful of the bandages and his prosthetic leg. Its all new to the both of them, and Peter still isn’t confident enough to walk on his own. “I won’t let you down, pops.”

His pops only smiles on one side of his face. Benni tries not to let his gut sink as he gets up and walks away.

* * *

Benni always knew he’d become Spider-Man one day, when he was a child it was everything he’d ever wanted, he would run up the walls and his dad would always have that little sad smile when he said he was Spider-Man, and once Mayday started showing her abilities, they would chase each other on the roof and made plans to be heroes _together_.

When Benni grew up, he wished that just once he’d said he wanted to be Deadpool, just so his dad wouldn’t look so sad, but Wade knew his kids loved him, more than anything else in the world.

Benni stopped wanting to be Spider-Man when Mayday got sick. How could he save anyone if he couldn't even protect his baby sister?

Benni was 15, Mayday wasn’t even 10 years old, when she was diagnosed with stage four cancer in her brain. Their dad shut himself away for weeks when they got the news, and once he came out again he sat Benni down and told him how he’d become Deadpool. About Weapon X, about the _experiments_ , but the thing that stuck out to Benni was the _cancer._ Wade blamed himself, looked at Mayday and saw his failures, that nothing good could come from being a _Wilson,_ even with a Parker added to it.

Wade had to be held back by Benni and Peter when doctors suggested _tests,_ trying to find a way to see if she had a healing factor like Wades. All Wade could think was Weapon X, how they were going to hurt May, but all he could do now was watch cancer eat away at his daughter, but he’d rather die than have Mayday go through anything close to what he did.

Benni was sleeping next to Mayday in the hospital bed when she died, as close as he could get without messing with all the machines around her. Peter cried and cried and cried, and Wade couldn’t even look Benni in the eye as he held Peter.

Benni stopped having dreams about being Spider-Man after Mayday died.

* * *

Months later, there was a mission. It was supposed to be small, but it was a big enough deal that Wade and Peter had to come, that Tony wouldn’t have asked if he wasn’t desperate. Peter and Wade were still grieving, and Peter went on more patrols, was barely home, as Wade locked himself in a room, or went away for days at a time. Benni had never felt so alone in his life, and Wade always smelled like blood.

If Benni was honest, Peter smelt like it too.

The mission was worse than they thought, and Peter ended up a lot more hurt than anyone expected. It could have been the sleep deprivation, the grief, the overwork, or maybe someone had finally gotten the better of him. He was in hospital for months, a top of the line prosthetic as a replacement for the leg he’d lost. Physiotherapy, surgeries, hospital beds. It was all too reminiscent of Mayday, too much for Benni, too much for _Wade._

Wade took Peter home from the hospital, spent months by his side while he was there, and left the moment Peter went to bed that first night in their home. Benni heard the door shut, felt it vibrate through his chest like he’d been shot, like his world shattered around it. Neither of them talked about the mission, and it tore Benni apart to watch his dads _hurt._ There was nothing to do, no matter how tight Benni tried to hold onto them, he lost both of his dads to grief and self-hatred. Benni would do anything to have things be the way they used to be.

* * *

There was something special about being on the rooftops, feeling wind rush past his face as Benni stood up there, breathing deeply. It was somewhere Benni felt safe, disconnected from the world and whole. He doesn't want to protect New York, not as much as Peter did, but he likes saving the little people, doing small things, taking it one person at a time. If he stays distracted enough, he won’t miss Wade.

Benni has taken to calling his dad _Wade_ in the six months he’s been gone. He sent Benni a letter in the mail when he turned sixteen, but it lays unopened on his desk beside the other cards and letters with his birth-name. Wade doesn’t know, _couldn’t_ know, but Benni thinks, rather bitterly, he would know if he was here.

It’s a quiet night for New York, only minor muggings and knife fights, nothing Benni hasn't seen before. He thinks he’ll go home early, study for the biology final he’s stressing about, and it’s in the moment of distraction that someone manages to sneak up on him.

“Who the _fuck_ are you?”

Benni doesn't have a moment to wonder why his spider-sense didn’t go off when there’s a knife pressed to his throat, dangerously close to tearing his suit and _piercing._

“Answer me!”

Benni knows the suit, could be blind and know it, which makes the stinging in his eyes all the more embarrassing as he tilts his head up to look at _Deadpool_. He realises why his spider sense didn't go off, and knows deep down he'll always implicitly trust his dad.

“I’m _Spider-Man!_ Obviously! _”_

Benni knows better than to be sassy now, but he was always cursed with parents who never knew when to shut up, and they’ve always had a habit of saying the wrong thing at the worst time. He feels the knife move and stab the wall next to his face, and Benni barely even noticed he’d been backed against a wall.

“You’re not the _real_ spider-man” Benni has only heard this snarl in Wade’s voice once, when he was young and heard a phone call he shouldn't have, and it's _terrifying_ to hear it directed at him. “You sound like a fourteen year old boy and your work is sloppy at best, stop _pretending.”_

The way he says pretending hits a nerve, and Benni grabs Deadpools wrist and flips him, throwing him against the wall and holding his arm to his back. There’s a resounding _crack_ that is probably Wades shoulder, and Benni snarls back into his ear.

“I _am_ Spider-Man, I’m not pretending to be _anything.”_

Benni thinks deep down it’s less about being Spider-Man and more about everything else, how Wade would know who he was if he was _here._ It’s been so lonely without him, Peter only half here, the other half somewhere far away. Somewhere sunny and bright, where his family was whole and he wasn’t stuck with a broken heart.

Benni can see the squinting behind Wades mask, hates that he’s still in tune to Wades emotions, even behind the mask. Benni always thought of himself as more like Wade, he connected with him in a way that even Peter didn’t. On darker days, Benni thought he was the _only_ person to ever really understand Wade, and it made him sadder than he cared to admit.

Deadpool is oddly silent, and still closed in on Benni, too close really. Benni thinks about the first few months that Deadpool was gone, how he searched for him every day, even if it was just in the street. Someone like Wade was hard to miss, if he wasn’t _trying_ to hide, and Benni was sure he would have left a trail. He left a letter for him after all, sent him a few. Benni tried to find codes, spent countless nights trying to find a message meant only for him.

He even called Ellie, who was off at college in another state, begging for some insight. Ellie was older, old enough to know what Wade was like in moments like this, all the tricks he would pull. There was no good news there, no leads, just the crushing reality that Wade would disappear with no inclination of where he went or when he’d be back. Benni knew deep down there was no message, nothing that could fill the hole. Ellie didn’t like breaking her little brothers heart, but it would be worse to let him kill himself over finding something that wasn’t there.

Benni wishes he could run away too.

“Do you-” Wade starts to talk, and Benni realises he’s lost for words, that they’d both been uncharacteristically silent. “You look like you’re lost, and you need to know how to not get stabbed. I don’t know how you ended up being _Spider-Man_ , but I don’t want some kid dying”

It takes Benni a minute to register what’s being said, and he gapes a little before Wade goes off into a tangent.

“Listen, kid, I didn’t have someone to show me the ropes when I started, so I just did what I knew best, which was giving people a one-way ticket to death central, if ya know what I mean. Mama didn’t raise a quitter, and I tried real hard to be good, so I’m kinda an expert in being taught it, not the best at doing it?”

Benni just hums in acknowledgement, already slipping comfortably back to how he used to be with his dad, how they’d fall into an easy rhythm. Benni could always follow Wades tangents, could go toe to toe with him if it came to it.

  
“I can give em a good left right, goodnight, if I do say so myself” Benni immediately responds, and curses him big dumb mouth for it. “Are you- are you asking to mentor me?”

Wade immediately grins back at him, and Benni thinks his Pops would kill him for turning to _Wade_ of all people right now, but Benni is limited for choice. He’d rather stay away from the Avengers, the risk of his identity being known and _questions_ he would rather avoid, and Peter always gets a distant look in his eye when Benni brings up his old Spider-Man days.

Benni tries to make excuses for it, but deep down, he knows he just wants his dad back.

* * *

“Ben!”

It still makes Benni so _happy_ to be called that, and Miles is running up to him in the hallway, Ganke and Doreen following behind him.

“You’re back!”

The three of them cover Benni with hugs, smothering him next to his locker and he’s laughing, for what feels like the first time in _years_ as his friends cover him from all around, voices overlapping as they ask about the week Benni was gone, about his pops, if he’s finally watched the new season of _Castlevania_ , and _dude did you read my thread on Deltarune? it’s_ **_nuts._ **Benni appreciates the overloading, of the concern written underneath the layers of chirpy excitement.

Benni doesn’t want to worry them with details, doesn’t want to tell them that he broke his arm falling from a roof last week and needed to wait for his arm to be back to normal. He insisted it was fine after the first day, but he saw the panic and fear in Peter’s eyes, the loneliness, and decided to stay just a little longer. Benni hates hiding things from his friends, hated that Wade insisted on hiding himself whenever friends were around, and he hates that he can’t seem to tell Peter and Wades back in New York.

Maybe Benni will allow himself to have today be about him, not about Spider-Man or his dads or the grief hanging over him like an omen. He won’t think about the rooftop he’ll meet Deadpool on tonight, where he’ll teach Benni how to punch a man so hard he pops a lung, just so he can avoid it, because _Jesus Spider-Kid why_ **_else_ ** _would I show you?_   Benni might feel normal for a day, but it’s enough for him to be surrounded by his friends in a hallway before class, where he isn’t Spider-Man, he’s just Benni Parker.

* * *

It’s about two months into this rather _tentative_ agreement that Wade mentions the first Spider-Man again. They’re sitting a rooftop at 2am, Benni on his third falafel kebab and no sign of stopping, when Wade suddenly changes tangents.

“I was married to the first Spidey”

Benni chokes on his kebab, spluttering and thumping a hand on his chest to get rid of the chunk stuck there.

“I guess I technically still am, since we aren’t divorced. But I ran away. It’s all i’ve ever really been good at, after I stopped _killing_ people.” Wade is uncharacteristically somber, to the point where it’s almost scary for Benni. He hasn’t seen his dads face since Mayday died, he knows Wade always used his mask to hide from others more than to hide himself.

“Our daughter got sick. Real sick, and she died because of me, because she was my daughter, cos I wouldn’t let them _experiment_ on her, not like they did to me. My kids are the only good thing I’ve ever been a part of. I miss them so much, but they deserve better than me”

It takes all of Benni not to cry, not to tell Wade that his son is sitting next to him, that he _has_ a son, but it’s not what Wade needs. Benni can’t be that for him right now.

“One of my kids is your age. I guess it’s part of why I care so much bout ya, after the whole confusion a while back. You remind me of her a bit, remind me of my husband a bit too, in a non creepy way, you just have similar mannerisms is all. I still have my ring” he pats his chest, right above his heart “stitched into the suit, so i’d be less likely to lose it. I always lose things Spider-Kid, tends to happen once you're old and decrepit, and it doesn't help that i'm an absolute piece of shit too”

Wade shrugs, as if it wasn’t the saddest thing Benni had ever heard. He wonders why Wade is telling him this, since he seems to realise that he’s not his _dad,_ and wonders how he went from a rant about the Stephen Hillenburgs integral impact on comedy, and how he would have gladly laid down his life for Spongebob, to pouring his guts out to some poor 16 year old on a rooftop.

“But enough of that, ain’t nobody reading this for me to be a generic Sad Boy. We need to bring back Bee Movie memes, there is nothing more entertaining than seeing discourse on why a grown woman left a whole man for a bee. Just cos he liked Jazz! How crazy is that! Every time I see stuff from that movie it gets more bizarre and surreal, why did they make that shit?”

Wade is back to being a mile a minute, and tries desperately to hide the fact he has _feelings._ Benni can relate, and he knows it’s a bad coping mechanism for the both of them, the need to hide or run away the moment that anything happens out of their control. The old Wilson Fight or Flight gene really messed them both up, but Benni can’t bring himself to be ashamed of the things he inherited from Wade.

“One of my parents doesn’t know I’m trans”

Benni doesn’t realising he’s saying it till he does, and Wade looks at him through those blank white eyes, and he wishes he could see his dads face again. He wonders if there’s new scars, and whether he would want to see his. Wade doesn’t realise what this means to Benni, that this is him telling his _dad._ It’s terrifying, but Benni knows Wade better than he knows himself, even when he forgets it.

“He isn’t around as much, but I want to tell him. My other parent knows, and he’s great about it, couldn’t ask for a better dad to be honest. Scared the shit out of me when I finally decided to come out though. It’s nice to hear people call me my name, though. It means a lot.”

Wade tilts his head like he wants Benni to continue, and he’s always been a good listener when he wants to be. Benni doesn’t want to say more, lest he reveal too much and mess up the whole secret identity thing.

“I think he’ll love you no matter what. You’re a good kid, and anyone would be lucky to have you. Im proud of ya Spider-Kid”

Wade rubs Bennis head like he’s going to ruffle his hair, and despite Bennis protests, it’s the best feeling in the world to be laughing with his dad on a rooftop.

* * *

“So then Trevor busts out this whip right, and the animation is incredible! The frame rate is almost _double_ the average in some of the later episodes, and it’s just to make these fight scenes fluid. I mean it is _fluid_ Wade, I’ve never seen anything like it!”

Benni is passing the time as the two of them wait on a rooftop across from what they assume to be a big drug bust. Kingpin still has some hold in New York, despite being in The Raft for nearly a decade. Peter had been chipping away at it for years, and Benni is trying to do the same. This would be Bennis first major crime bust, and he’s nervous. It’s made easier by Wades presence, and the past few months have lifted a weight from Bennis chest.

“Also they do this whole scene of Alucard and Dracula fighting through the castle, and I'm _still_ not over Alucards name being his dads name backwards, how fucked is that? and then they’re just pummeling each other. They go into Alucards old room and Dracula just _stops,_ and he’s all like ‘my boy, Lisa im killing our boy’ and I’ve never cried so hard in my life-”

Wade silences him for a moment, staring intently down as cars pull up to the warehouse. It’s suddenly go time, and Benni starts stretching and preparing himself. He’s _got this._

Once both parties arrive, show the drugs and sufficient enough evidence they’re connected to Kingpin, Benni and Wade drop down on the outskirts. Wade backs him up as Benni stealthily takes out the guards, and before anyone can notice, half the crew is tied up. Guns are barely drawn before they’re snatched out of hands, and Benni has them tied up and the police called before a single shot is fired. He’s proud of himself.

It’s probably that moment of pride, that second he allowed himself to be distracted, that caused him to react so late to his spider-sense. It’s probably what allowed the one gunman they missed to shoot Benni in the sternum, and he feels it shatter as he breathes in. He’s falling, falling to the ground and he can hear Wade yelling and gunshots. The wet sound of Benni's breathing is deafening, it fills his ears and everything feels muted and wrong.

Benni realises that he’s dying.

“Come on Spider-Kid, you have to stay awake when I get you to the big guys so they don’t kill me”

Benni wants to protest, to tell him _anyone but the Avengers,_ that Benni just wants to go home and see his pops. He thinks that his pops might outlive both of his children, and it sends a shudder through his body.

“I think my pops might kill you first”

Wades still running, and the jostling doesn’t even bother him anymore as he fades in and out. He needs to tell Wade, to make sure that he _knows._

“Wade-” there’s a cough that’s suspiciously wet against Bennis mask, and he’s sure its blood. “Wade listen to me, I gotta tell you something”

“Get through this and you can talk all you want Spider-Kid. We’re nearly there, stay with me.”

“My name is Benni Parker, you’re my dad Wade”

Benni feels a rush of cold air as they bust through a door, and he hears shouting that sounds like Wades voice, and suddenly the world goes dark again.

* * *

Benni knows he’s dead. Everything was bright white, blinding, but it doesn’t hurt his eyes. It doesn’t scare him, and he wonders why it happened this time. Why him, why today? Benni wonders if he’ll meet Peters Uncle Ben, if he’ll see Aunt May again.

Benni wants to hold Mayday, and he never wants to let go.

“Hello Benjamin”

The voice he hears is surrounding him, no single source and infinite. He knows that voice, and he turns to see Death herself. She seems familiar to him, a distant memory of falling and _snapping._

“Why isn’t anyone else here?”

Benni could have asked a million other questions, begged for his life back, for one last chance. He’s known it’s an inevitability of his life, of his career choice. Being Spider-Man was never supposed to be easy.

“It’s not your time, my dear heart”

Benni would think she’s smiling if Death had skin, and there’s a small inclination in her voice that she’s sad.

“Not my- not my _time_?”

Death tilts her head, that strange little feeling that she’s smiling sadly at Benni surrounding him again, like she could project her expressions. Benni thinks that might be the case, but doesn’t dwell on it long.

“You’re not like normal people, Benjamin. You’re so much like my love, and it’s a shame the best of you can never stay with me for long.”

Benni is confused, he’s _scared._ Is he in Hell? Was he that much of a failure that he can’t die? He can’t _stay?_

“You’ll always return to the world of the living, no matter how hard you try or how much you want it. You cannot die, Benjamin Parker-Wilson.”

A mixture of relief and _agony_ sweeps over Benni, a longing for something that should have been promised. Should have been _guaranteed._ Why did he get to live, when Mayday died? When his pops will die?

He doesn’t even think about how she knows to call him Benjamin Parker- _Wilson,_ when he’s been using Parker since Wade left. He was always a Wilson, even when he wouldn’t voice it.

“I-“ Benni doesn’t know how to phrase it, how to find the words to express what’s happening to him. “I’ll never get to see Mayday again?”

There’s that feeling of a smile again, that voice that surrounds him and permeates his skin, his being.

“Not for long”

That’s when Benni feels it, a body crashing into him and _crushing_ , and he looks down and cries. Mayday is _here._ In front of him again.

“Mayday!”

Benni collapses, holding her as close as possible as he cries into her hair, still cut to her shoulders and the soft brown he remembers. Just like the photo he keeps of their family, in Maydays favourite dress.

She looks up at him, and Benni knows this is her, that it isn’t an illusion or his dying brain producing a memory. He’s really holding her tight, and she’s not sick and bound to a hospital bed. She’s _happy._

“Benni! I’ve been watching over you!”

Benni can’t wipe the grin off his face at hearing his sister call him _Benni_ , and there’s a comfort in knowing she was always there, in some way.

“I tired to watch over Dad and Pops too, but they’re so sad. I wish I could make it better.” She’s frowning, clearly frustrated. “If I was still there it would be okay.”

“I tried so hard May” Benni can’t stop staring at her, holding her little face in his hands. He’d raze New York to the ground, wipe out the whole state if it meant he could stay here with her a minute longer. “I wanted things to be okay. I missed you so much, Gods, I love you so much Mayday.”

Benni can feel a tugging in his chest, like he’s being pulled away, and he clings to Mayday just a little tighter.

“I’ll see you again Mayday, I’ll come back”

“I’ll see you then, Benni Bee”

She smiles at him, big and wide, as she runs back to a couple in the distance, a younger Aunt May and a man Benni can only assume is his name sake. Death is still there, always watching, as they disappear in a mist.

“Tell Wade I said hello.”

Benni doesn’t have time to think about that as he feels his body ricochet away, as he jolts awake in a makeshift morgue and a mortician _screams._

“What the _fuck!”_

The poor woman runs out, screaming for Tony Stark, and Benni stares down at the bullet wound in his chest that’s already healed to a scar.

It’s terrifying.

* * *

“What the _fuck_ did you do Wade”

Peter is seething, staring down at Wade, who fell to the ground from the force of the punch thrown, which must have snapped his jaw. Wade resets it as he stares up at his _husband_ , and he doesn’t fail to notice the ring on his hand. It’s _his_ ring.

“You- you finally show up after _months_ and you’re holding our son, who’s been _shot,_ and you have the nerve to be worried about him?! About _me!?_ ”

Peter is shakily standing, his prosthetic a stark reminder to Wade that he messed up, _bad._

“I needed you Wade! We both needed you, and you left. Benni nearly _killed himself_ trying to find a message from you, _anything_ from you. Ellie was even looking for you!”

Wade doesn’t know what to say, how to acknowledge his Terrible Coping Mechanisms, how to make this better. Maybe it won’t ever be better.

“I couldn’t stand to walk past her room”

Peter seems to remember Wade can talk when he hears it, suddenly struck dumb by it. He stares at Wade like he can’t believe he’s real, that he never was gonna come back.

“I would always come back to you Peter, i’m so sorry. I couldn’t- “ Wade actually chokes up, stops talking to wipe at his nose through the mask. Its gross, and kind of pathetic, Peter is a little embarrassed on his behalf. But he can’t act like he didn’t feel the same. “I blamed _myself._ I know it’s stupid, and I couldn’t have done anything but _fuck,_ it hurt. Everything hurt more than normal Pete, and now i’ve fucked everything up again”

“He didn’t tell me he was my son till I brought him in here” Wade looks Peter in the eye, best he can through the deadpool mask. “I _protected_ him. I took care of him cos maybe I thought I needed to redeem myself, or deep down I knew he was my kid. I watched his back like I used to watch yours, and it was his first big bust and I should have double, triple checked everyone was gone. I shot him! I killed the fucker that shot Benni, and I still failed him. I’m so scared, Pete.”

Wade thinks about the glimpse he caught of Benni's face, of his _son,_ as he was carried away on a stretcher. He thinks about the way his chest struggled to bring in air, and how Wade failed him, just like he always knew he would. It was always a curse to be a Wilson.

“Wade-” Peter seems stuck for words, staring at Wade like he can find an answer in his mask. “We could have dealt with it, you could have talked to me.” Peter wraps his arms around himself, like it could stop the chill in his bones.

“I love you Wade, I don’t think I could ever stop, I would have _helped you._ You think I didn’t want to run away too? I’m the one who had to walk by Maydays room, I drifted away from Benni. He was so alone.”

His admission that Benni was lonely manages to bring a sob out of Peter, and Tony Stark walks into the room at that moment. He doesn’t utter a word, just the mere look on his face and the avoidance of eye contact with Peter is enough to tell them Benni’s gone.

Peter flings himself onto Wade, sobbing into his shoulder. Wade doesn’t know what to do, what to _say._ Just mutters apology after apology into Peters ear as he cries.

“I’m so sorry Pete, I’ll never leave again. I love you, I’m sorry for Mayday, I’m sorry for Ben, I’m sorry I ran away. I can’t lose you again, Peter.”

Wade swears on the old gods and the new, he will do everything he can to make it right.

* * *

After the medical examiner stops screaming, Benni tentatively tries to climb out of the bed. His legs don’t feel right, and he stumbles as he gains footing. He manages to get a hospital gown on him before people start to run in. Tony Stark is first, followed closely by his _dads._ Benni starts to move before they even run to him, and Wade catches him before he can fall.

“Benni, oh god Ben, you’re okay”

Wade is holding onto him tight, and Peter is hugging him over Wades arms. Benni is crying before he realises it, realises he hasn’t been held like this since Mayday died. He grips as tight as he can, and he thinks about holding Mayday too. Benni wants to make everything right, he doesn’t want to hide things from his dads, doesn't want to be without either of them.

Benni knows it won't be easy, that theres a lot to fix. Maybe theres nothing that can be fixed, but Benni will do everything he can to keep Wade here, at least in his life. He can’t lose him again.

“Death says hi” Benni is looking up at Wades face, and he can see the emotions flick across his face through the mask. “I think I might see her a few more times than most people.”

Wade lets a laugh escape him, like there was nothing he could do to stop it, Peter seems to realise and he holds Benni at his shoulders.

“Ben?”

“I can’t die pops, God, I can’t _die._ ”

There’s a look of almost relief on his pops face, but just a little sad. Peter is holding him tight again, and Wade hasn't stopped holding his lower arm, like he’s scared he’ll disappear if he let’s go.

“I wanna go home, can we please go home?”

Benni looks at both his dads, and they seem to silently argue for a second, before they both nod.

“Yeah, lets go home Benni.”

* * *

A week after the _incident,_ as Benni has begun referring to it as, Wade moves back into their apartment. He stays in the spare room, across the hall from Benni, but both them seem happier now that they’re together again. It was lonely without Wade, and even now, barely a month since Wade moved back in, Peter smiles more. He talks a lot more too, and Benni missed him so much.

School continues on as normal, but Spider-Man is put on hold for a little while. Benni tried to go back out after he died, but the moment he put his suit on he panicked and threw it across the room. No matter how much he washes it, he still smells his blood on the mask, feels the wound aching on his chest. He’s been working with Tony to make a new suit, and Benni has quietly admitted to the panic attacks, and his inability to sleep.

Tony understands, and quietly he’s been adding modifications similar to the ones in the Iron Man suit, meant to reduce the anxiety Benni has been feeling. He hasn’t talked to his dads about it, doesn’t want them to worry about him when they’re sorting themselves out. He knows they’d both understand, Wade more so than Peter. Dying, and suddenly being thrown back into reality is enough to distress anyone. Benni knows he’s likely to experience it again, more than he should. Death is a reality for everyone, but for Benni, and Wade, and everyone else like them, it’s not quite the same inevitability.

No one should know Death the way Benni and Wade do.

Even though Benni has been working on it, there still tends to be restless nights, before he’s able to go back to being Spider-Man, and it’s on one of those nights he finds the letter Wade wrote him for his birthday, about six months ago now, in a state of anxiety induced cleaning. Benni still hadn’t opened it, his birth name staring up at him from the envelope, and the bitter feeling of loneliness, because Wade had _left._

But his dad is home now, and he finds himself opening the letter, stuck between morbid curiosity and a burning sadness. It still stings, the feeling of loneliness from Wade leaving, even now that he’s home and back in his life. He doesn’t know what to expect, but he reads the letter anyway.

 

_My [redacted]_

_I’m sorry I’m not there with you today, turning sixteen is a pretty big deal. I’m not sure you’d really_ **_want_ ** _me there, honestly. You’re better off without me, really. I miss you every day, and not a moment goes by where I don’t think of you and your sisters. You’re the light of my life, and every year you get older I’m astounded I played a part in your life._

_My dad wasn’t the best, neither was my mom, honestly, so I wanted to do everything I could to be the best dad I could be. I’m not great, and I wish I'd done better, but I’m so proud of you, every day of my life. You and Ellie and Mayday were the only good things I was ever a part of, and there were days I was surprised your pops even decided to be with me. I guess I messed that up now, huh._

_I think you would understand more than anyone why I ran, you were the most like me, really. I’m sorry for that, you deserved better than my shitty genes. When you were born, I saw parts of me I hated in one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen, and I couldn’t bring myself to hate those parts of me anymore. I’m endlessly proud of you, and I will always love you, no matter who you are, who you become, or how far away I am._

_I’ll come home soon, I promise. I will always come home to you, no matter how lost I am. I love you, I will always love you, and you are my pride and joy. I treasure every memory, and I look forward to the day I’m with you again, if you and your pops would let me_

_Happy birthday [redacted], I’m so proud of you_

_Your dad_

 

Benni doesn't know when he started crying, only that it happened pretty quickly. Maybe he started crying before he ever read it. He thinks about running into the other room and holding his dad, crying his heart out and begging him not to leave ever again.

He doesn't think Wade would leave again, but Benni understand the intense fight or flight response they seem to get, so bad that running away seems to be the only logical response. Benni has wanted to run from a lot of things, and he forgives Wade. Peter left Benni in a different way, but he isn’t the same either. They all reacted to Mayday getting sick in their own, very unhealthy ways.

For now, Benni sits on his bed, holding the letter close to his chest as he cries a little longer, before he tucks himself away under the sheets. Tomorrow, he puts the Spider-Man suit back on, the new one he’s been working on with Tony, and he decides that it's better to run to something than run away, when filled with the overwhelming urge to _run._

Benjamin Parker-Wilson became Spider-Man at the tender age of sixteen, around the same age his Pops became Spider-Man. He prefers to be called Benni, and he thought for a long time he would be the only Spider-Man in New York, until his own children took on the title. Eventually more will come around, closer to home than he ever would have expected, and they would help protect the city from alien invasions and muggings. It’s comforting that he’s not the only one in the world who feels like this, that he’s not alone.

For now, Benni is happy to be Spider-Man. Anyone can wear the mask, as his pops would always say, we're just the ones who got lucky. It’s what he was born to do, and there’s nothing more important to him than that. 

**Author's Note:**

> well if you're here and enjoyed my self indulgent gift to my partner, thank you! i haven't read or written spideypool content in a loooooooong time so this may be a bit out of character but im proud of it. also this is in no way connected to mcu spideypool cos i do not claim that shit, and theyre adults in comics. people writing spidey as an a teen and wade as an adult in fics is the reason i stopped reading spideypool in the first place, they met and got together as adults in this. 
> 
> check out my older spideypool fics if you want, this exists on a different timeline but involves similar points !!! i just always meant to give benni more justice now that im a better writer than i was two years ago. 
> 
> twitter: pitiossruins  
> tumblr: transignisscientia


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